Janice Faye

I just got off of the phone with my brother, well actually a bit ago, and we had a conversation about our mom and the illness that eventually took her life. I tried to go to bed but couldn't get to sleep, so I thought that I would come write down my thoughts instead.

Ryan and I are very different in many ways, but we are alike in a lot of ways too. When my mom was sick with Scleroderma, I could not bear the thought of talking to her about the inevitable. I did not know when or how she was going to die and honestly I did not even think it would happen when it did. I think that was partly a defense mechanism for me. She never told me that she was dying, and I thank her for that because I think that she knew that I could not handle that. So, subconsciously I don't think that I allowed myself to think that she would succumb to her illness. My job (self-appointed) was to take care of her physically and that I did. I wanted to be the one to care for her, so I took the semester off of college. The last three months of her life were the worst, when she could not even get out of bed to use the bedside potty chair without it taking every ounce of oxygen that she had. It took her 20 minutes for her breathing and oxygenation to recover from just taking two steps to the chair and back to bed. But through all of that I could be there, day in and day out to take care of the physical needs that were overwhelming. I would bathe her, dress her, cook for her, do her hair, her nails, wake up in the middle of the night to make her hot tea with honey and lemon to ease a coughing fit, anything she needed, I tried to provide. We had walkie talkies and she would call any time that she needed something. I think back to those days and don't know how I did it, but I did and I am so thankful for that time with her. I guess nursing has always been a part of who I am! (There were some fun memories through those months, though, like playing Phase 10 every night with Eron and dad and occasionally Ryan and Jen, if they were over, and also making dinner and all of us going back to mom and dad's room to eat because it was so much easier on her. We had some good memories through those times). My brother on the other hand, could go where my dad and I could not. He could have those conversations about how she was truly doing, not physically but spiritually and emotionally. I am so thankful for the fact that he could sit down and have these deep conversations with her because I know she needed to talk with someone in her family about this. So, as we were talking tonight we had a conversation about her outlook on death that we had not had in a while. It reminded me of what an awesome woman of God that she was and what faith and trust that she had in the Lord. I am so proud to have had her as a mom and I am so heartbroken at the same time because there are so many people that I have wanted to introduce her to in the past almost six years since her death. Everyone loved this woman, she was so special and I am also sad sometimes because I don't think that I really knew and understood what kind of woman she truly was. I was 21 when she passed and I think that is still young and there was so much learning to still be done. I mean I knew her as my mom and I knew how much she was loved by everyone but I will never know her as woman that I am now and I will never know her as the grandmother to my children or the mother-in-law to my husband and that makes me so terribly sad. I am scared that one day I will not remember her voice. It is like I am reaching into memories to hear her and I can't seem to find her voice. I don't ever want to forget her voice. That may not make sense but I am not sure how else to explain it. I guess I just always want to remember her????

Getting back to Ryan and I, I am thankful that all of her needs were met by her family and I am thankful that Ryan could go there with her. She told him that she was never scared about dying that she was ready and at peace with it. She was not mad at God but mentioned that she did not understand but was never mad. Ryan said that the only two times that she cried when talking with him about it was when she said that she did not want my dad to be alone and that she was sad about not knowing her grandchildren. That just amazes me, I am so proud of her faith! She was so faithful and such an incredible christian woman. She never complained about her illness and the effect that it was having on her life. In the hospital room when her terrific doc told her that she only had about a day and a half to live she had one tear that streamed down her face. She was so ready and I am thankful that her heart and mind were in the right place.

Like I said we had had this conversation before but again tonight as we were talking about it, it made me sad yet it also gave me some peace over her being gone. I am so sad and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and how much I miss her and how much I wish Harper and Elle and Renner knew her, but yet I can be at peace that she was at peace and she was ok with going home to the Lord. We all miss her and my dad will never be the same without her but she is with the Lord now and I am so thankful for that! Everyone says that with time things get better, that is somewhat true, with time you learn to deal and get used to not having that person, yet with time comes all of the years of my life that I will not have to share with her.
The truth of the matter is that she is in a better place and she is whole again and not sick, but when you are suffering a loss that is the last thing that you want to hear from someone. So, for future reference, if you are ever confronted with a situation in which someone has lost someone try your best to stay away from those cliche statements. Yes, she may be in a better place but at that moment that does not make most people feel better. It is purely selfish feelings, I know, but I do know that she is better off with the Lord than here. I think that one thing that gets me through times when I am feeling sad is knowing the promise that eternal life brings us. It is so much better in Heaven that even if she had the choice to return here and enjoy the things that she is missing out on, that she would choose to stay because it is so awesome and we cannot even fathom it right now.

Twenty one years is not a long time to have with someone but I am thankful for all of the years that I did have with her. I am thankful for the mother that she was to me and Ryan and the wife that she was to my dad, because Lord knows he needed a very special woman to put up with his quirkiness, oh my! She will always be missed but she has left us with so many memories and family traditions that forgetting her love will be impossible. I love my mother and I am so so proud of her and I know one day we will meet again, what a blessed day! Thank you Lord for the blessing she was and will always be in our lives!